Raw Meats
by ColdFusion180
Summary: Yet another example why staying at the Acolyte base can be dangerous to one's physical and mental health.


**Note: This story takes place before my story "Mutant Histeria".**

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 **Raw Meats**

"What do you fools think you're doing?" Magneto roared as he stormed into the recreation room. Remy and Pyro were playing a game of pool, Piotr was drawing on a sketchpad and Mastermind was reading a book. "I ordered you to gather together for a mission briefing half an hour ago!"

"We gathered here Mags," Remy said lining up a shot. "What more do you want?"

"I want you to use some common sense! A lofty expectation considering you lunatics don't have any!" Magneto snapped. "And don't call me Mags! When I summon you idiots I expect you to come to me, not wait for me to go to you!"

"Come on, boss. Do you expect us to drop everything and come running every time you yell 'Acolytes Assemble'?" Pyro asked.

"I hope not," Mastermind muttered. "What kind of lame team would use a stupid battle cry like that?"

"Never mind! Just shut up and pay attention!" Magneto glared. "We're going to break into a maximum-security prison which I suspect is detaining several mutants. It's located in Stokes County…wait a second. Where's Sabertooth?"

"I dunno," Remy shrugged. "Probably taking a nap."

"Or working on his motorcycle," Piotr suggested.

"I heard him banging around in the kitchen a while ago," Mastermind spoke up. "Sounded like he was cooking something."

"He what?!" Magneto gasped. "Oh no!"

"Oh boy, break out the stomach medicine," Remy groaned. "And the body casts!"

"Uh, is that bad?" Mastermind blinked in confusion.

"No," Magneto shook his head. "It's a disaster!"

"Sabes isn't allowed to cook under any circumstances," Remy explained. "Last time he splattered blood all over the kitchen before making a blaze so big it even overwhelmed Pyro."

"It did not!" Pyro protested. "I would've handled the flames if I hadn't been hit in the head with a skillet!"

"It was not a skillet, it was a pancake," Piotr corrected. "The rest were so tough we ended up using them as armor-piercing discs."

"Made short work of the X-Mansion's defenses when we pranked it later in the week," Remy smirked. "There's still one or two pancakes lodged in the ceiling of their hangar bay."

"Hello friends!" Sabertooth waltzed into the room with a smile. He wore a floppy chef's hat and an apron than said 'Kiss the Cook'. "Is everybody happy?"

"Not as much as you are," Piotr blinked at Sabertooth's appearance.

"Victor!" Magneto roared. "What the devil you think you're doing?"

"Hiya boss!" Sabertooth chirped skipping up to him. "I have something you gotta try!"

"You're trying my **patience** you crazy…aaahhhhhh!" Magneto yelped as Sabertooth grabbed him and cheerfully hauled him out of the room. "What are you doing? Let go of me!"

"Oh boy. Looks like Sabes has gotten into catnip again," Remy whistled.

"I dunno. He seems pretty mellow this time," Pyro commented.

"We better follow them," Piotr set down his sketchpad before heading out the door.

"Why? To save Magneto from Sabertooth's bizarre reasoning and random behavior?" Mastermind asked.

"No. To make sure we get all their actions on tape," Piotr smiled.

"Good idea!" Remy grinned as the younger Acolytes ran to catch up with their elders.

"Oh, why not?" Mastermind sighed following after them. "At least I'm not the one being tormented for once."

"Victor you deluded maniac!" Magneto snapped as Sabertooth dragged him down the hallway. "Let go of me this instant!"

"Don't worry, boss. You're gonna love this!" Sabertooth chirped. "I made it special just for you!"

"Oh, this is gonna be good," Remy snickered having caught up with them.

"I hope Sabes left some edible remains in the kitchen," Pyro said as Sabertooth entered the dining room. "I can make a barbecue with 'em latter."

"Oh no you won't!" Sabertooth declared as he strode past a dozen covered platters littering the table. " _Don't waste your choppers on barbecue floppers! And don't grill, roast, bake, fry or steam!_ "

"Huh?" Pyro gasped in shock. "Are you crazy?"

"Look who's talking?" Mastermind grumbled.

" _If you seek elation from food preparation, there's one technique which reigns supreme!_ " Sabertooth grinned plopping Magneto into his chair.

"The only one who reigns supreme around here is me!" Magneto glared furiously at him.

"Wanna bet?" Remy quipped as the other mutants took their seats.

" _A mouthful of cheer! That goes with a beer!_ " Sabertooth grabbed a platter and lifted the lid with a flourish. " _Those heavenly kings of cuisine!_ "

"Let me guess. Hot wings…huh?" Piotr blinked at the sight in surprise. "What the…?"

" _Raw meats! Raw meats! Uncooked chunks of protein which none can compare!_ " Sabertooth beamed happily. " _Raw meats! Raw meats! Such excellent, succulent fare!_ "

"Looks like Sabertooth found a way around the 'no cooking' restriction," Mastermind drawled.

"I should have known," Remy shook his head. "Let's hope Sabes doesn't serve Rocky Mountain oysters this time."

"Is this safe?" Piotr asked hesitantly. "Maybe we should warm the platters up a little first."

"I don't believe it! This is a travesty!" Pyro howled. "No food can be considered food unless it's been cooked with **gas**! And fire! Lots and lots of fire! Hahahahaha!"

"On second thought, I guess eating them cold is worth a try," Piotr gulped.

"That's the spirit, Russian! Here ya go!" Sabertooth giggled as he uncovered more platters and began serving his teammates. " _Raw meats! Raw meats! Parisa, steak tartare and carpaccio!_ "

"Oh my," Mastermind blinked at the thin slices of beef drizzled with lemon and olive oil. "This almost looks edible."

" _Raw meats! Raw meats! Bò tái chanh, ossenworst, kitfo!_ " Sabertooth announced happily.

"On the other hand," Mastermind winced at the new dishes.

"Okay, how the heck does Sabertooth know how to make all this stuff?" Magneto cautiously poked at his food.

"How do you **think**?" Remy gave him a look.

"Never mind," Magneto groaned. "For once **not** knowing is probably better for my sanity."

"Mmmm," Piotr's eyes widened as he took a small bite of parisa. "This is actually good."

"I have to admit, it's not bad," Remy said trying the kitfo. "If there's one thing Sabes knows about, it's raw meat."

"If there's one thing **I** know, it's how not to get food poisoning," Magneto snapped folding his arms. "I'm not touching a bite!"

"Me neither!" Pyro yelled. "I'd be betraying all those poor, unlit cooking flames that never got to be!"

"Suit yourself," Remy shrugging reaching for another platter. "Your loss is my stomach's gain."

"Yeah! You tell 'em, Cajun!" Sabertooth grinned skipping around the table. " _Whether flambéed or basted, kobe steak is wasted! While seared filet mignon's a bore!_ "

"Well this certainly isn't," Mastermind smiled finishing off his carpaccio. "Is there any more?"

" _Have a plate of yukhoe or carne apache!_ " Sabertooth placed said dishes in front of him. " _Mett, çiğ köfte, larb lu and more!_ "

"No!" Pyro yelled defiantly.

"C'mon Firebug! Just look at it!" Sabertooth temptively held up a platter of larb lu. " _That delectable mesh! Of sweet, scrumptious flesh! Each juicy bite is to die for!_ "

"If only," Magneto groaned. "Then I'd finally be rid of you nuts!"

"Forget it! I object! I refuse! I…" Pyro yelped as Sabertooth shoved a handful of çiğ köfte into his mouth. "Aggghhh! Bleah! Ew, that was…" Pyro blinked. "That was great!"

"Told you!" Remy smirked.

"Gimme that!" Pyro swiped a platter of yukhoe and eagerly devoured it. "Mmmm, I love this stuff!"

"Me too," Piotr smiled.

"Yeah! Wohoo!" Sabertooth cheered dancing around the table. " _Raw meats! Raw meats! Fresh tender young portions of lamb, game and fish!_ "

" _Raw meats! Raw meats! A delicious, nutritious dish!_ " Remy, Pyro and Piotr joined him as well.

"Oh great. They're all gone!" Magneto moaned staring at a plate of carne apache. "What did Sabertooth put in this stuff?"

"This is great!" Pyro crowned. "Mags you gotta try this!"

"No I don't!" Magneto snapped. "And don't call me Mags!"

"Come on, boss. What do you have to lose but your appetite?" Remy quipped.

"Yeah, boss," Sabertooth fell to his knees and tried to look up at him with puppy dog eyes. "Try some, please? Pretty please?"

"Stop doing that! It's creepy," Magneto shivered at the sight. "Fine, I'll try some." He stabbed a piece of steak tartare and reluctantly took a bite.

"Well?" Sabertooth asked hopefully. Magneto chewed for a moment before swallowing and staring at Sabertooth in shock. "He likes it!"

"Hooray!" Remy, Pyro and Piotr cheered.

"I don't believe it!" A stunned Magneto found himself reaching for more tartare. He took several more bites. "This is wonderful!"

"Told ya!" Sabertooth beamed doing a victory dance. " _Their value is tenfold!_ "

" _Beyond their weight in gold!_ " Remy shouted.

" _Or any baked, pan-fried meatball!_ " Pyro whooped happily.

" _Far better than braising!_ " Piotr claimed.

" _Their taste is amazing!_ " Magneto declared as he ate.

" _Superior to alcohol!_ " Mastermind yelled.

"You said it!" Sabertooth howled leaping onto the table. " _That savory meal!_ "

" _Of pork, beef and veal!_ " The rest of Acolytes roared. " _They're clearly the best food of all!_ "

"Yeah! Alright! Let me at it! Pass some over here!" The hungry mutants cheered while chowing down on the various dishes. " _Raw meats! Raw meats!_ "

"Outstanding!" Magneto smiled reaching for a platter. "I haven't had ossenworst since I was a kid!"

"Yummy!" Remy and Pyro mumbled while having a bò tái chanh eating contest. " _Raw meats! Raw meats!_ "

"Hahahahaha!" Sabertooth pranced down the length of the table while kicking aside empty platters. " _A mouthful of cheer!_ "

" _That goes with a beer!_ " Mastermind grinned.

" _Those heavenly kings of cuisine!_ " Magneto bellowed leaping to his feet.

"Yippee!" All the Acolytes cheered and danced around like mad. " _Raw meats! Raw meats! A rich source of protein that fills out your waist!_ "

" _Raw meats! Raw meats!_ " Piotr happily spun in a circle with Remy and Pyro. " _The treats so palatable!_ "

" _Lusciously eatable!_ " Sabertooth did the same with Mastermind and Magneto. " _With that unbeatable…!_ "

GRUUUGGGNNNBRRRUUUKKK!

"Huh?" Pyro froze feeling his stomach. "Ooo, that hurts…"

"I do not feel so good…" Piotr paled doubling over in pain.

"Ugggh," Mastermind whimpered turning green.

"Blrrruuub!" Remy placed a hand over his mouth.

"Oh no," Magneto's bowels rumbled ominously. "I knew this was a bad idea…aaaggghhh!"

"LOOK OUT! OH GEEZE MY INTESTINES ARE BEING TIED IN KNOTS! I'M DYING! I'M GONNA BE SICK! BLEEEAAAHHH!" The five mutants frantically tore out of the dining room and bolted for the nearest toilets.

"Huh, what's wrong with them?" Sabertooth shrugged taking a final bite of mett.

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 **Disclaimer: I do not own X-Men: Evolution or the song "Toot Sweets".**


End file.
